Helping Kids with Big Emotions

Helping kids with big emotions is one of my favorite topics to talk about and I love seeing parents become more emotionally attuned.

Why is this important?

Helping kids with their big emotions creates more emotional regulated adults. It allows them to grow into adults who will use their words to discuss their emotions, and to seek support from others. It also fosters empathy for others. I practice therapy through an attachment framework and integrate nervous system regulation and somatic practices.

Parenting Strategies

As parents and therapy providers, we should appreciate children’s diverse range of emotions instead of fearing them. Instead of “I should make my child stop having a tantrum”, we can ask “how can I help my child feel comfortable in their body and support them in returning to calm?” The moment babies are born, they look towards an adult to respond to their needs and help them build safe connections to the world. So… yes… break the rules of behaviorist thinking and what you “should” do as a parent. We need to critically examine where “time-outs”, “planned ignoring”, “behavioral rewards”, and "firm voices” really fall short. Figure out what feels authentic to you and go with it. Compassion, being present, validating phrases, and offering comfort that is tailored to your child are what build strong, adaptable, empathetic and regulated children.

Where to Start: Helping Children Understand Their Emotions

It’s important to accept that we can’t prevent kids from feeling big or uncomfortable emotions. I don’t see emotions as positive or negative, I see them as comfortable and uncomfortable emotions. In Dr. Mona Delahooke’s book Brain-Body Parenting she explores a bottom up approach and discusses how we can help kids make friends with their nervous systems as early as possible by building self-regulation that develops though safe relationships with care givers.

Kids need to understand the the sensations and feelings happening in their bodies. One place to start is helping label their emotions and associating emotions with physical sensations in their bodies. Even when reading stories, you can ask children - What do you think this character is feeling right now? Yes, they might feel sad. How do you know that? What happens in your body when your sad?. Incorporating activities such as storytelling, art, or play can provide alternative ways for children to express themselves when words may be challenging. For example, you can have your child draw how they are feeling and practice helping them recognize and name that emotion.

What is Emotion Coaching?

Emotion coaching is when you validate and support your child's emotion (like saying "it's okay to feel sad” when they are crying). This helps your child understand what is happening in their bodies, normalize their feelings and helps them feel less alone. This might look like expressing that you understand how they feeling or you could imagine feeling that way too if you were a kid.

Through research projects that I’ve worked on regarding children’s social emotional development, we’ve found that there’s different ways that parents respond to their children’s emotions starting when they are infants which may include non-supportive responses that minimize feelings, trying to distract kids, or ignoring their emotions. In the long run, kids may suppress their emotions and develop negative core beliefs about themselves such as their feelings don’t matter and they don’t matter either.

Co-Regulation is Key!

When kids, physiology reaches a certain level, their big emotions are an instinctive response to stress. The nervous system is responding to stress by directing the child to react in ways that help the child seek safety in their bodies. Co-regulation is a part of emotional attunement with your child. Let’s break this down….as a parent, you should keep your calm and model this to your child because it helps them relax and brings them to a more centered place. You have to ride that emotion wave with your child. This could look like doing deep breathes with them and asking them what they would like to do with you to feel better. Instead of saying “don’t cry it’s ok”, you can say “it’s ok to cry, I am here for you” and try offering a hug.

Teaching Kids Emotion Regulation Tools for Their Toolbox

Use play to teach kids mindfulness and emotion regulation skills like deep breathing, which helps regulate their nervous system. Try stuffed animal breathing, where kids put a stuffed animal on their belly and do deep belly breathing. There are also apps that can provide visualizations and guided breathing for your child.

Handling Anger and Frustration

It can be uncomfortable when your child is frustrated or angry. Don’t overly accommodate or try to alleviate their feelings. Help your child calm their body, feel heard, and communicate what’s frustrating them. Then, think about potential solutions together. Also, practice sitting with your own discomfort in those moment.

Neurodiversity and Big Emotions

Being neurodiverse affirming is crucial when helping kids navigate big emotions. Nuerodiverse people may feel emotions more intensely and have heightened sensitivity to sensory stimuli. Understand what your child’s unique needs are and what helps them regulate and feel calm. For example, some kids might want alternatives to hugs, so explore what kind of touch or comfort feels good to them.

Also, try to join them in their world, normalize their reactions, and create open communication about it. For example, if your child gets upset ad overstimulated at a birthday party, try to connect with them by saying “I can imagine that this is overwhelming and scary for you, it is really loud for me too. What are you experiencing right now?”

The Impact of Trauma

Children who have experienced trauma may struggle with regulating their emotions. They may have gotten mixed responses from different caregivers in the past, some of whom may have punished or ignored their emotional and physical needs. Building trust and emotional safety is essential. Kids need to know that when they loose control, they are not alone, and consistency is key. Consistently respond with support, warmth and patience, this allows children to collect evidence that you are dependable, can be trusted with their emotions, and won’t leave them.

Family of Origin, Intergenerational Patterns and Culture

As a systemic and decolonizing therapist, consider how family of origin, intergenerational patterns of parenting and culture impact your approach to parenting and triggers when dealing with big emotions. Some cultures practice harsh disciplining practices. Each culture and country has a different way of parenting and there is not one universal “best” way to parent. I encourage parents to explore - how were feelings talked about or not talked about in your home? What feelings felt safe to express? What feelings didn’t feel safe to express? How might that impact your own discomfort with your child’s big emotions? What parenting practices would you like to continue in your family? What would you like to do differently than your family of origin?

Parent Self-Regulation, Self-Care and Building Community

Be aware of your own triggers as a parent and take a moment to regulate yourself or seek support to be more grounded with your child. Practice self-care throughout the week so that you do not feel depleted. And, have self-compassion for yourself. If you do feel anxious or scared when you watch your child experience big emotions, know that you are doing the best you can and your child will have time to learn and work through their emotions as they continue to grow.

Improvements that I’ve seen with my parent coaching and family therapy clients are that parents have more confidence in their abilities to help their children through big emotions, kids develop more emotion coping skills, and parents define what authentic parenting looks like for them that is in alignment with their personal and cultural values.